When women start recognizing how they have been taught to survive on a starvation diet of invisibility and silence, they will no longer need to feel jealous of women who expect to be seen, heard, and respected. Mothers will no longer teach their daughters how to survive on a lack of self-nurturing because they themselves will no longer be trying to survive without meeting their own needs.
Without this depth of understanding how patriarchy has got under our skin, women are in a danger of being like crabs in a bucket. As soon one tries to escape and manges to get to the top of the bucket, the others pull the escapee back down. Fear of not being liked, of being alone, of the consequences of escaping and standing up for your rights and life, are strong motivators that make women pull each other back down to where it is sad but safe and familiar.
Women have long learned how to survive on a little. But what we are not yet good at is recognizing our collective starvation and encouraging each other to claim what we are missing. We are not yet good at acknowledging how awful it feels to be criticized, unsupported, and ignored by other women. It feels like the ultimate betrayal. Women have said that it feels worse than being criticized or rejected by a man because that is what they expect from men. They don't expect it from their sisters. Not being surrounded by or being able to trust the "I'm with you sister" connection with other women hurts us deeply in our relational wiring. Women are wired to want and need connection with other women. We need to be heard and supported by other women and when we don't have it, or it flickers on and off at will, it harms our development and feels like a crushing loss.
For women to flourish, we need to band together. We need to re-create the sense of female connection we once had during biblical days around the village well and in the Red Tent where women gathered, shared stories, supported each other, and passed on their womanly wisdom. I am not suggesting that things were great for women then, but I am saying that we have lost that essential sense of community that women had then. The saying "together we stand, divided we fall" is true. Together we are a force to be reckoned with. Divided and alone makes it harder to stand up and say "no". I hear over and over how hungry women are for empowering, supportive and nurturing sisterly connection community. We need to recognize and unlearn our internalized misogyny (means hatred, dislike, or trust of women), so that we can thrive collectively to save this ailing world.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
"The Pains of Being the Other Woman"
There are many women today regardless of religion, class, economic status, etc.. who has found themselves in a place that was unfamiliar and uncomfortable at the same time and that place is called "being the other woman". What classifies one as being the other woman? when you have become the one that HE has become comfortable with but is unable to make a commitment to because of his current status. Now there are women who actively seek out being mistresses and then there are those who just found themselves in that place. I know that there are some women reading this act like this is not them or it could never be them, but then they wake up the next morning being HER. So here is the story, don't judge the character of the other woman, don't even show sympathy but lets look at the pains that she faces. We feel bad for the wife because she has to deal with all of the mess that her "husband" has put her through but what about the "woman" who the man tells I love you, too. In this story I am going to show you even in the Word of God, were women who became or rather was the other woman and the effects that it had on them.
No-one every really knows what the meaning of love is, we use that word so loosely as if it was just something random that you say to someone to get whatever type of attention or response you are seeking. But this story is about women who have allowed their emotions to make decisions for them instead of heeding to the signs that was right in front of them. Some relationships begin as friendships between a man and a woman, a co-worker to co-worker, employer to employee, spiritual leader to member, etc... regardless of how the relationship was formed and established there were some signs that change was taking place. In friendships or the relationships that I have describe above you will begin to see how something that starts out so honest and innocent can now become corrupt and toxic or rather falling in love with the right person (so we think) but just at the wrong time. When men begin to develop friendships/relationships with women other than their wives sometimes it can cause conflict and sometimes it don't. There was a woman who established a close relationship with a man who was married, they were not seeking to pursue any relationship but they were good friends. As they begin to develop this friendship they were able to confide in each other to the point where they could trust each other with their lives and not question the validity of the friendship. Some will say that men and women can't be friends without it going to the next level, but I beg to differ as long as each person understands the role that the woman plays in his life. Their friendship was one of honesty and truth no secrets or hidden agendas especially on the woman's part, it was about sincerity as well having each others back. In their friendship they begin to become each others cheerleader encouraging them to do well, pursuing after purpose, him wanting her to be in a relationship of her own with a man that would love her like she deserved to be loved. This was an awesome friendship boundaries was established, rules were in place and making sure no feelings went any further. But when you begin to spend time with someone and you begin to open up sometimes you begin to question "whats happening here"? but this story started when her friend had hidden feelings even before she knew it, but yet she could sense that something was brewing but not certain of anything so she kept what she knew or rather what she assumed to herself, understanding that this is a married man.
Many women who I am portraying has found themselves in this very compromising yet special place. A lot of times married men who have women friends the women are usually single most times and its nothing wrong with that, because I'm a firm believer that women can give their friends advice when it comes to certain things that women like because she's one herself, but back to the story. One day these two friends had a conversation that was random, hypothetical, really having no value or merit but the questions where a little complex and one of the questions led to something that neither one expected. It was at that time that the two friends revealed how they really felt about each other and that became a problem and no one realizing at the moment that this is not good. Like many women who have been single for a long time experiencing unhealthy relationships whether it stemmed from a divorce, an abusive relationship, baby daddy issues, or plain low self-esteem that woman was seeking something inwardly and didn't really think it through. Most men who find themselves in this place are repeat offenders while for some this is there very first time, expressing to another woman other than the wife, I'm falling in love with you. Those are some dangerous words to say to a woman who knows that she is a good woman and would be effective in the life of the man that shes with. Sometimes I wonder is it that married men see something in the other woman that they want from their wives but are too afraid to converse with them to tell them this is want I need to help fulfill me; I'm not talking sexual, because the relationship that occurs between a married man and a woman whose not seeking out married men on purpose the majority of the time it is more of an EMOTIONAL relationship then anything else and emotional relationships are more complicated then sexual ones (because you can try to protect yourself from getting someone pregnant or contracting a disease) but when emotions are involved there is nothing out here to protect someone from that. When the married man told the woman his feelings she began to express hers as well not knowing that she should have controlled the situation but now the friendship has been jeopardize because of feelings. Many women who are currently in this position find it very difficult to release the man from their heart because they've allowed someone to enter their soul without "permission" and when you enter a place without permission from God a mess has now been created.
There are many people engaging in relationships that has be ordained by God for one purpose but allow the flesh to distract and distort the original plan and purpose of why you were ever in each other lives. So the other woman begins to take on a role that wasn't designed for her take on, she became extremely sensitive to his needs emotionally and spiritually and that's what kept him there. In church and I know the church folks don't want to accept this but the first stage of deliverance is acknowledgement. You have illicit relationships in the church where confusion is in the midst of the congregation. You have the other woman, the wife, and man all in one place but no one knows what to do; on the job you have the boss, his employee (the other woman) and his wife at the Christmas party and no one knows what to do; on your off time you have your co-worker, his wife, and the other co-worker at his house for their child's birthday party, how awkward is this not for the wife who may assume that something is going on, not for the husband who's praying that nothing breaks out but the for the other woman who's sitting looking foolish and carrying the guilt, the weight, and the secret between her and the married man, for if she reveals his secret she then has to tell on herself. The pressure is now on, the wife don't like the other woman not so much because she know or rather thinks that she wants her husband, but that there is another woman who has currently captured her husbands heart.. So she is frustrated and irritated at the married man and the other woman. The wife tries to understand why is it that my husband has the affection of another woman and that part of him that was totally for me is now being shared with someone else. So now the wife is in panic mood do I confront the other woman or do I let it ride, because I'm really not concerned about her feelings because she is after my husband, but did the wife every stop and consider "my husband might just be after her". Now back to the other woman, she is now emotionally involved with this married man, she has to smile when she sees them together and act like it doesn't bother her, she has to pretend that nothing really existed between them. So her feelings are now damaged, her heart now experiences a great sense of lost and pain that is indescribable, her attitude towards the man is real, but the one thing about the other woman she don't have an issue with the wife. Some may say why should she, she's the other woman, she's wrecking the home (my thoughts on this yes the other woman knows that the man is married but news flash so do he) accountability and responsibility should not be solely left as a burden for the other woman to carry...
So know let me explain the pains that these other women feel, when married men expresses to them I don't want to put you in a position of being the other woman because that's not who you are, one of the women politely stated the day you kissed me I became the other woman, "when you told me that you loved me" I was already her. How is it now that you don't want to label her as the other woman but the actions identified her as such. She began to take on the identity of what the married man really wanted but in the process she should took on the identity of adultery. The other woman begins to feel a certain kind of way about this man that brought an usual level of pain to her life. It brought about guilt, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, and grief. There are some women who have entered into these types of relationships where when it ended they couldn't handle it. See while the wife still has her family the other woman is considering suicide, she no longer sees the value within herself, she reflects back on the words of what the man told her I have to much to lose but one woman said "SO DO I" some married men think that they will lose there wives and children, their jobs, or titles but what about the "other woman's" integrity, her anointing, what about purpose, have the married man really considered what she's lost and the price that she had to pay for being the "other woman" so the pains are real do the "other woman" apologize to the wife absolutely but the question now becomes can the "other woman apologize to herself" can she forgive herself for falling in love with someone else husband, I'm talking about real pain. When she wakes up everyday thinking about what has happen, why did it happen, and how did it happen. How can you tell the other woman you love her but can't apologize for misleading. The pains of being the other woman are detrimental to the point where some women never fully recover because they've allowed someone to come and enter into their life and they gave them their heart and loved them more than they have every loved any other man.
Now in the scriptures there was a relationship between Sarah and Hagar; Sarah was promised a child by God but due to her age Sarah felt as though it wouldn't happen so she did what was costumed for them to do in that era and that was to give your handmaid (slave/servant) to your husband and once they conceive and give birth the child would be theirs'. The problem in the relationship is that Hagar was minding her own business, Sarah initiated a plan for somebody else not taking into consideration the consequences of what could possibly happen. The word says that when Hagar conceived that Sarah was despised in Hagar eyes, now Hagar probably took on another spirit her attitude now was I have something that you couldn't give your man. The word declares that Sarah dealt harshly with Hagar and she ran to the wilderness, she found herself being the other woman and being that she took on an identity that she wasn't ready for but she had no other choice. The angel told her to go back to your mistress because your inheritance is in that place. In later chapters Sarah has Isaac and she sees Ishmael mocking him this was a prime excuse for her to get rid of the "other woman" and everything that reminded her of the relationship that she had with her husband. She told Abraham get rid of your baby mama and your child there still had to be some underlined resentment that Sarah had towards Hagar in spite of the fact that Sarah caused the confusion. The pain that she felt caused her to go back into the wilderness but not alone her child that was birthed out of chaos was without, she's sitting crying over what has happen. There are some women out there who has been or who are currently the "other woman" still crying over the relationship out of her pain she received a promise. I say that to say even in your pain a promise is coming. Those who are currently "the other woman" you keep on saying how am I ever going to get over this, when will the love that I still have for him die, when will the memories of all the times we've spent together end, when will I stop smelling his scent, will I ever stop cheering for him....when Lord, will it end, some of you may hear the scripture quoted "For we know that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and who are the called according to his purpose" and you are asking yourself how is it going to work.
When I look at the relationship between Rachel and Leah the first wife (which is Leah) became the other woman, their are some wives who have now become the other woman, see you can't laugh at women who are in this crisis because you just might find yourself there. Jacob loved Rachel, that kiss at the well must have been a life changing kiss. He told Laban he will work for Rachel but wound up marrying Leah. Leah wasn't the most beautiful person in the world but she was despised by her man, she was the other woman trying to hold on to what she loved, she gave birth to 4 sons whose names identified with her emotions of being the other woman. Married men it is possible to love two but you will love one and hate the other. Leah pains was real, she gave Jacob all that she could and still didn't received his love. Pain is real whether you caused it or someone afflicted it on you.
Being the "other woman" is not fun neither is it comfortable. When you have a call on your life the Spirit of God will reveal himself to you in a manner of love. Even in your pains you have been "Reserved for Restoration" it is now your season to be healed from the actions of being an active participant in a relationship not established correctly. Your pains can only be felt by someone who has walked in the shoes of being "the other woman" irregardless of it being a sexual or an emotional relationship you are still identified as the 'other woman".
So I encourage my readers to know this Jesus said he without sin cast the first stone! Don't judge where she's been, neither discuss whats she has done but celebrate that she came out. Now to the one who is still stuck in not forgiving yourself it is crucial and necessary that you do so. 1 John 1:9 states: If you confess your sins he is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse you of all unrighteousness. I know you're hurting, I know you're mourning over what could have been between you and him, I'm quit sure the reason why you refuse to let go is that you are holding on to the possibility. But there is no guarantee that it will, so I beg you to allow the Blood of Jesus to purify that place and wash you white as snow and to give you a new life.
I know your pains, they are real and it hurts but it won't last forever.
The tears may not stop tomorrow, but I promise they will. Though you sow in tears, ye shall reap in joy....
No-one every really knows what the meaning of love is, we use that word so loosely as if it was just something random that you say to someone to get whatever type of attention or response you are seeking. But this story is about women who have allowed their emotions to make decisions for them instead of heeding to the signs that was right in front of them. Some relationships begin as friendships between a man and a woman, a co-worker to co-worker, employer to employee, spiritual leader to member, etc... regardless of how the relationship was formed and established there were some signs that change was taking place. In friendships or the relationships that I have describe above you will begin to see how something that starts out so honest and innocent can now become corrupt and toxic or rather falling in love with the right person (so we think) but just at the wrong time. When men begin to develop friendships/relationships with women other than their wives sometimes it can cause conflict and sometimes it don't. There was a woman who established a close relationship with a man who was married, they were not seeking to pursue any relationship but they were good friends. As they begin to develop this friendship they were able to confide in each other to the point where they could trust each other with their lives and not question the validity of the friendship. Some will say that men and women can't be friends without it going to the next level, but I beg to differ as long as each person understands the role that the woman plays in his life. Their friendship was one of honesty and truth no secrets or hidden agendas especially on the woman's part, it was about sincerity as well having each others back. In their friendship they begin to become each others cheerleader encouraging them to do well, pursuing after purpose, him wanting her to be in a relationship of her own with a man that would love her like she deserved to be loved. This was an awesome friendship boundaries was established, rules were in place and making sure no feelings went any further. But when you begin to spend time with someone and you begin to open up sometimes you begin to question "whats happening here"? but this story started when her friend had hidden feelings even before she knew it, but yet she could sense that something was brewing but not certain of anything so she kept what she knew or rather what she assumed to herself, understanding that this is a married man.
Many women who I am portraying has found themselves in this very compromising yet special place. A lot of times married men who have women friends the women are usually single most times and its nothing wrong with that, because I'm a firm believer that women can give their friends advice when it comes to certain things that women like because she's one herself, but back to the story. One day these two friends had a conversation that was random, hypothetical, really having no value or merit but the questions where a little complex and one of the questions led to something that neither one expected. It was at that time that the two friends revealed how they really felt about each other and that became a problem and no one realizing at the moment that this is not good. Like many women who have been single for a long time experiencing unhealthy relationships whether it stemmed from a divorce, an abusive relationship, baby daddy issues, or plain low self-esteem that woman was seeking something inwardly and didn't really think it through. Most men who find themselves in this place are repeat offenders while for some this is there very first time, expressing to another woman other than the wife, I'm falling in love with you. Those are some dangerous words to say to a woman who knows that she is a good woman and would be effective in the life of the man that shes with. Sometimes I wonder is it that married men see something in the other woman that they want from their wives but are too afraid to converse with them to tell them this is want I need to help fulfill me; I'm not talking sexual, because the relationship that occurs between a married man and a woman whose not seeking out married men on purpose the majority of the time it is more of an EMOTIONAL relationship then anything else and emotional relationships are more complicated then sexual ones (because you can try to protect yourself from getting someone pregnant or contracting a disease) but when emotions are involved there is nothing out here to protect someone from that. When the married man told the woman his feelings she began to express hers as well not knowing that she should have controlled the situation but now the friendship has been jeopardize because of feelings. Many women who are currently in this position find it very difficult to release the man from their heart because they've allowed someone to enter their soul without "permission" and when you enter a place without permission from God a mess has now been created.
There are many people engaging in relationships that has be ordained by God for one purpose but allow the flesh to distract and distort the original plan and purpose of why you were ever in each other lives. So the other woman begins to take on a role that wasn't designed for her take on, she became extremely sensitive to his needs emotionally and spiritually and that's what kept him there. In church and I know the church folks don't want to accept this but the first stage of deliverance is acknowledgement. You have illicit relationships in the church where confusion is in the midst of the congregation. You have the other woman, the wife, and man all in one place but no one knows what to do; on the job you have the boss, his employee (the other woman) and his wife at the Christmas party and no one knows what to do; on your off time you have your co-worker, his wife, and the other co-worker at his house for their child's birthday party, how awkward is this not for the wife who may assume that something is going on, not for the husband who's praying that nothing breaks out but the for the other woman who's sitting looking foolish and carrying the guilt, the weight, and the secret between her and the married man, for if she reveals his secret she then has to tell on herself. The pressure is now on, the wife don't like the other woman not so much because she know or rather thinks that she wants her husband, but that there is another woman who has currently captured her husbands heart.. So she is frustrated and irritated at the married man and the other woman. The wife tries to understand why is it that my husband has the affection of another woman and that part of him that was totally for me is now being shared with someone else. So now the wife is in panic mood do I confront the other woman or do I let it ride, because I'm really not concerned about her feelings because she is after my husband, but did the wife every stop and consider "my husband might just be after her". Now back to the other woman, she is now emotionally involved with this married man, she has to smile when she sees them together and act like it doesn't bother her, she has to pretend that nothing really existed between them. So her feelings are now damaged, her heart now experiences a great sense of lost and pain that is indescribable, her attitude towards the man is real, but the one thing about the other woman she don't have an issue with the wife. Some may say why should she, she's the other woman, she's wrecking the home (my thoughts on this yes the other woman knows that the man is married but news flash so do he) accountability and responsibility should not be solely left as a burden for the other woman to carry...
So know let me explain the pains that these other women feel, when married men expresses to them I don't want to put you in a position of being the other woman because that's not who you are, one of the women politely stated the day you kissed me I became the other woman, "when you told me that you loved me" I was already her. How is it now that you don't want to label her as the other woman but the actions identified her as such. She began to take on the identity of what the married man really wanted but in the process she should took on the identity of adultery. The other woman begins to feel a certain kind of way about this man that brought an usual level of pain to her life. It brought about guilt, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, and grief. There are some women who have entered into these types of relationships where when it ended they couldn't handle it. See while the wife still has her family the other woman is considering suicide, she no longer sees the value within herself, she reflects back on the words of what the man told her I have to much to lose but one woman said "SO DO I" some married men think that they will lose there wives and children, their jobs, or titles but what about the "other woman's" integrity, her anointing, what about purpose, have the married man really considered what she's lost and the price that she had to pay for being the "other woman" so the pains are real do the "other woman" apologize to the wife absolutely but the question now becomes can the "other woman apologize to herself" can she forgive herself for falling in love with someone else husband, I'm talking about real pain. When she wakes up everyday thinking about what has happen, why did it happen, and how did it happen. How can you tell the other woman you love her but can't apologize for misleading. The pains of being the other woman are detrimental to the point where some women never fully recover because they've allowed someone to come and enter into their life and they gave them their heart and loved them more than they have every loved any other man.
Now in the scriptures there was a relationship between Sarah and Hagar; Sarah was promised a child by God but due to her age Sarah felt as though it wouldn't happen so she did what was costumed for them to do in that era and that was to give your handmaid (slave/servant) to your husband and once they conceive and give birth the child would be theirs'. The problem in the relationship is that Hagar was minding her own business, Sarah initiated a plan for somebody else not taking into consideration the consequences of what could possibly happen. The word says that when Hagar conceived that Sarah was despised in Hagar eyes, now Hagar probably took on another spirit her attitude now was I have something that you couldn't give your man. The word declares that Sarah dealt harshly with Hagar and she ran to the wilderness, she found herself being the other woman and being that she took on an identity that she wasn't ready for but she had no other choice. The angel told her to go back to your mistress because your inheritance is in that place. In later chapters Sarah has Isaac and she sees Ishmael mocking him this was a prime excuse for her to get rid of the "other woman" and everything that reminded her of the relationship that she had with her husband. She told Abraham get rid of your baby mama and your child there still had to be some underlined resentment that Sarah had towards Hagar in spite of the fact that Sarah caused the confusion. The pain that she felt caused her to go back into the wilderness but not alone her child that was birthed out of chaos was without, she's sitting crying over what has happen. There are some women out there who has been or who are currently the "other woman" still crying over the relationship out of her pain she received a promise. I say that to say even in your pain a promise is coming. Those who are currently "the other woman" you keep on saying how am I ever going to get over this, when will the love that I still have for him die, when will the memories of all the times we've spent together end, when will I stop smelling his scent, will I ever stop cheering for him....when Lord, will it end, some of you may hear the scripture quoted "For we know that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and who are the called according to his purpose" and you are asking yourself how is it going to work.
When I look at the relationship between Rachel and Leah the first wife (which is Leah) became the other woman, their are some wives who have now become the other woman, see you can't laugh at women who are in this crisis because you just might find yourself there. Jacob loved Rachel, that kiss at the well must have been a life changing kiss. He told Laban he will work for Rachel but wound up marrying Leah. Leah wasn't the most beautiful person in the world but she was despised by her man, she was the other woman trying to hold on to what she loved, she gave birth to 4 sons whose names identified with her emotions of being the other woman. Married men it is possible to love two but you will love one and hate the other. Leah pains was real, she gave Jacob all that she could and still didn't received his love. Pain is real whether you caused it or someone afflicted it on you.
Being the "other woman" is not fun neither is it comfortable. When you have a call on your life the Spirit of God will reveal himself to you in a manner of love. Even in your pains you have been "Reserved for Restoration" it is now your season to be healed from the actions of being an active participant in a relationship not established correctly. Your pains can only be felt by someone who has walked in the shoes of being "the other woman" irregardless of it being a sexual or an emotional relationship you are still identified as the 'other woman".
So I encourage my readers to know this Jesus said he without sin cast the first stone! Don't judge where she's been, neither discuss whats she has done but celebrate that she came out. Now to the one who is still stuck in not forgiving yourself it is crucial and necessary that you do so. 1 John 1:9 states: If you confess your sins he is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse you of all unrighteousness. I know you're hurting, I know you're mourning over what could have been between you and him, I'm quit sure the reason why you refuse to let go is that you are holding on to the possibility. But there is no guarantee that it will, so I beg you to allow the Blood of Jesus to purify that place and wash you white as snow and to give you a new life.
I know your pains, they are real and it hurts but it won't last forever.
The tears may not stop tomorrow, but I promise they will. Though you sow in tears, ye shall reap in joy....
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